WTF – Inherently Funny!

I don’t think anybody enjoys driving on a snowy day, right? My plan for snowy days was to always call in sick. One day, snow started a few hours before my shift, so I stuck to that plan and called in. However, it stopped right around the time I was supposed to work! Then again the other day it was snowy and I thought to call in sick. I texted the manager and said I might not be able to work tonight. I made up something, but he told me if you couldn’t work that night, take the rest of the week off too – not a big deal, and I should have done that.

It was snowy/sleety that night, and it was coming down hard. It started about an hour before my shift, and after an hour of sleet, streets were fine. It was wet and not fun, but not bad at all. So, I went to work. We had a few drivers that didn’t show up that night and of course they didn’t work the following days. As a result, I made great money that night and the following nights – that was the bright side of the story.

But as the night went one, it got worse. The sleet and snow didn’t stop, or even slow down a bit. While main roads were mostly OK, side roads were bad. Well i guess Karma is a bitch! I as well as the other drivers, were in and out constantly. I couldn’t even take time to pee! Every time I walked into the store, the orders were already packed 2-3 deep, and I was on the road again. As I said, it was a good night money-wise.

On one of my orders, the manager told me that because he cut the pizza wrong, the customers were getting a free pizza. Yeah! You didn’t know? If we cut it wrong, or if you call and bitch about the way we cut it, or amount of BBQ sauce on your wings, we’ll give you either free food or gift card. So, the pizza was free, but they had wings and bread as well. Anyway, I drove to the location, and called them upon arrival, per their request.

It looked liked a pre-school or kindergarten, but they were open late. I’m not sure what it was, but I saw lots of kids in one room with two teenage girls, and in another room I saw a few adults, sitting in a circle and talking. I called the cell number on the tag, but nobody answered, so I walked into the building. A teenage girl saw me, and came out of the kids room. I gave her the food, and she signed the receipt. Usually kids and teanagers, and sometimes even adults, when they don’t wanna tip, they either sign, or write the total and sign. This blonde lady, who had already gotten free pizza on this snowy day, not only signed and wrote the total price, she made sure to put $0.00 for tip! Fucking meticulous.

I was so mad. You got free pizza, and no tip? I came back and more orders were waiting for me. I think it was my last trip that I had three orders, and by that time the side roads were very bad, and it was still coming down. Anyway, I drove to the last address, and I was looking forward to delivering it and calling it a night.

When I arrived I saw some antlers and skulls outside, so I assumed the guy was a hunter and hunters are cool. Then this young man in an Army uniform opened the door. Very nice guy, and he already paid $4.00 in tips when he placed his order. He asked about the roads and I gave him his food. He then gave me another $5.00 cash – now his awesomeness was unbeatable! I thanked him and I was about to walk to my car when he called out, “excuse me! Do you have my coke in your car?” WTF! I didn’t have anything in my car. As I said, they gave me everything at the store. They did put sauce and paper plates in the hot bags, but to be fair I should have checked for the drink, and I didn’t.

So, the best course of action to throw my co-workers under the bus!

Me: Did you order a coke too?

Him: Yes.

Me: I am so sorry about that. They didn’t give it to me. You know it is a crazy night. We are short on drivers, and a few of us that are working, are working non-stop.

Him: huuum… that’s fine…

Me: Hey! Is there a gas station nearby? I can drive there and get you a drink.

Him: Yes. There is one on you right… you know what? That’s fine.

Me: No, I’ll go get you a coke (I really didn’t want to).

Him: That’s fine. It is OK.

Me: Thank Sir. (Thanks for your service too).

That was it! I didn’t want to drive 6 miles round trip, for a fucking coke. It is not even healthy, and he was better off without the extra sugar.

The moral of the story is: There are assholes and heroes in this world. Heroes are saving assholes all the time, and we do not always appreciate heroes that way or as much as we should. Also, why does anyone care about how his/her pizza is cut? You’re going to eat it anyway, so stop being a wrong-cut-bitch!

Well, not all of them! When you deliver pizza you get to see different people, and you get to take a peek at their homes. You see, their dogs, some have big dogs – almost as big as cows, and when it barks at you they just say “oh! He is a friendly dog!” but you know what, I’d rather you keep your big friendly dog inside – Thank you!

The point is, it is not just seeing inside people’s house, but even smelling it too. The most common smell is marijuana. The people usually order lots of food, because they have some serious munchies, and they tip good because they are high – and I love it! Too much information here, right? Science tells that you crave junk food after smoking marijuana. Not that pizza is junk, but you get the point.

Anyway, I have delivered large orders to a few apartments and houses that I could smell pot, but the weird one was this place that requested for paper plates when they placed their orders. That night we were out of paper plates, so I was ready to apologize for it. I arrived, and found the building, went upstairs and knocked. I could hear voices, mostly children’s voices from inside, and one of them keeps asking “who is it” and I said “pizza is here”. But the kids inside won’t stop running, and the other kid won’t stop asking the same question! This was going on for about 5-7 minutes.

Finally an adult, African-American young lady opened the door, and holy shit! There were like 5-6 kids inside, no furniture in the living room and kids lined up for the food. And of course, the smell of weed hit my face as soon as she opened the door. That explained the wait. She was probably smoking weed somewhere in the house. I don’t care what people do in their house, it’s none of my business, I just deliver pizza! Pot, is not legal in my state yet, so it is kind of strange when you smell it now and then. Anyway, I gave her the food, and she signed the receipt and asked for paper plates.

Me: I’m so sorry about that, but we were out of paper plates.

Her: Do you have napkins in your car?

Me: I don’t…

Her: So you were out of napkins too?

Me: No, but did you tell them to add napkins to your order?

Her: No. I thought you might have it in your car.

Me: I’m sorry for the miscommunication here, but we don’t carry napkins.

She handed the receipt back to me, rolled her eyes, and said “Oookkkkeeey!” and shut the door! It wasn’t the best or ideal situation, but she tipped me good, so we are good! I’m not a pot expert, but isn’t weed supposed to change your mode and makes you happy? So, why she was so much upset about damn paper plates and napkins? She didn’t have plates and soap? Again, none of business!

Other funny characters, are the ones who are having sex when you arrive! Yup, that’s a thing. I’m not kidding. I went to this place on Friday night, it was a verified customer, meaning we have delivered to this address without any issues in the past. I couldn’t see the lights inside, and there was no doorbell – I mean WTF, no doorbell? So, I was knocking for a few minutes and nothing. The mistake I made, and if you are a driver, don’t do it, I left my cell in the car. ALWAYS have your phone on you. I decided to go back to my car and call them. Almost down the last porch step when this cute, disheveled lady opened the door and called out to me.

As soon as I saw her, I couldn’t hide my smile – something was telling me she was getting laid. I came back and this disheveled guy showed up, shirts untucked, and now we are smiling, kind of devilish smile to imply “I know what you were up to… wink, wink.” She took the food and disappeared, while her smile went to full-blown laugh, giggling if you will. Well, I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything and based on the tip he gave me, I think my timing was just spot on. You crave for food, all kinds of food after humping!

Tag: WTF

Snowy Day, Cool Dude and Not-So-Cool-Kid!

Weed People Love Pizza!