Inherently Funny Guy!

The Most Vicious Mother fucker!

September 9, 2021September 9, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Corporate Funny Stories!

I have worked different jobs, in different countries, and with different people. I have encountered many assholes and jerks throughout my career and my life. I usually have a high tolerance for assholes and I can deal with jerks, and sometimes even return a favor. Not that they don’t bother me, but I have accepted the reality that assholes are part of life and I need to be stronger, and better at what I’m doing, so they can’t harm me. George Bernard Shaw once said, ‘Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and the pig enjoys it’. This is relevant to assholes too. Anyway, they are annoying nonetheless.

I have forgotten many of them, and this is the good thing about the human brain: we forget the bad things and after a while when we look back and review our memories, what we usually recall are mostly good memories and good people that we met. There is one specific person I will not forget as she was not only an asshole, but she was the vilest and vicious mother fucker I have ever met, and I hated her from the bottom of my heart.

I never understood how she still had a job that she had at the time, as she butted heads with many other employees. People usually tried to ignore her or just went along with whatever nonsense she was saying, just so they stayed on her safe side. Most assholes have some friends and they usually don’t bite them, this lady, however, was unpredictable. She could be your buddy today and tomorrow, she was planning something against you behind your back, and she would go the extra mile to hurt you. Again, an asshole or jerk won’t do the justice to describe this creature.

While I wasn’t reporting to her and she wasn’t my subordinate, in the organizational hierarchy, I was above her and we had to work together to service clients. The first few months after I got promoted, she went above and beyond to get me fired! Once she realized she couldn’t do that and her efforts were fruitless, she started to fire back at me anytime I said something to the client in an email. It was very annoying and made me hate everything at that time.

It was the time that our company was going through some big changes and almost every other day, we had an email that so and so decided to leave the company. Another one bites the dust, was a common phrase and we used it at least once or twice a day. Those emails would usually come out on Fridays, so we were very nervous on Fridays and sometimes betting on who is leaving next. Sometimes we learn about colleagues’ departure even before HR emails us. Those were not fun times, and working with a vicious asshole, made it even worse. I thought and prayed that I saw her name on those emails, and kept my fingers crossed.

There was this local organic store near our office, that we would go to now and then to buy lunch. I loved their Reuben sandwich and it was amazingly delicious. One day I got this coupon in the mail for a bottle of free wine! I don’t drink, but I thought it is a free wine and I can maybe give it to someone who drinks – as a gift of course! I walked over there and bought my lunch and got my free wine. I put the wine in my drawer in the office, and I kinda forgot about it, until the vicious lady started acting up again. Lots of back and forth email, and meeting for something so stupid that I couldn’t believe she is doing these things, but you know snakes bites, not because they hate you or something, it is snakes’ nature to bite. She was the same, vicious, mean, straight-up A-Grade asshole.

After the dust settled, I don’t know why, but I opened my drawer and I saw the wine there, and that brilliant idea came to me: I should keep the wine here, and open it and drink the whole damn thing on the day she bites the dust and leaves this company for good! I couldn’t believe it. I was willing to commit a sin if she leaves. God, I even prayed that she finds a better, higher-paying job, just leave us you vicious mother fucker.

A year or two passed, the wine still in my drawer and she is still here. I couldn’t get rid of her. Our

company was going through another big change, and I have had it enough, so I started looking for a job. After a few months, I found a job, accepted the offer, gave my notice, and went to the office to grab my stuff. And there it was, my free wine reserved for a special celebration that never happened to look at me, and this song came to my mind: ‘Hello darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping…’

I sighed, packed my stuff and the last thing was the wine in its brown bag asking about her unclear future. I couldn’t just leave her here, the world is a dangerous place, especially for a lonely wine. I couldn’t take her with me either. She needed someone, someone who can fulfill her potential. So, I looked around, there it was Mr. B. I thought, well today is his lucky day. Walked towards him and said, hey do you drink wine? He said what do you have? I showed him the wine and he said, is this the free one you got a few years ago? And I said, yes it is. I was saving it for a special occasion but it never came.

Now, he was curious about what special occasion I was talking about. So, I said you know I actually saved this here for a day I saw this email about her leaving the company and the plan was to drink the whole thing and get drunk. Alas, she is still here, and I’m leaving for good, so I have no good use for it and if you drink you should have it. He laughed. We both laughed at how life is a funny game.

Every Office Needs a Dwight Schrute!

July 26, 2021July 26, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Corporate Funny Stories!

So here’s a shocker: I’m a huge fan of The Office! And I know it is cliche, but I like Dwight. Like other fans, I watched this show and short clips of it on YouTube so many times. I used to use Michael Scott’s favorite phrase “that’s what she said” a lot in the office, but you know things changed socially, and that I had to stop saying that because some might have thought it is offensive or something!

While The Office was the most-watched show on any streaming service in 2020, there are still people out there that never watched it. There are people that have no idea who Dwight Schrute is. I guess they are living under a rock or something, right? Anyway, I’m not here to judge anyone. If The Office or Dwight is not your thing, then you might not enjoy this pretty damn funny story.

Keep this first part here and we will get back to you later. Now, the second part and the main story is that I started doing quarterly potluck lunch in the office. First, it was just my team, and then other teams were invited too, or as my manager used to say the more the merrier. If it was up to me I wanted to keep it just to my team – I am very territorial! The other team could come up with something, right?

Anyway, I usually booked a bigger conference room and tried to schedule around 10 people’s calendars; it wasn’t easy. I think this story is actually about our last team potluck. We had two big screens in that room and someone came up with this idea to play something off of YouTube. Obviously, you can’t find a show or a video that pleases everyone, but for the most part, everybody loved The Office. So, he played a random episode of The Office on YouTube. I forgot the episode’s name, but it was the episode that ended with Phyllis walking into the Office and catching Dwight and Angela making out. You can see this scene here (play from 6:23). My manager was very religious and that made me worried. I mean, that scene is nothing, but you want to play it safe. People started getting out of other meetings and off the calls and walking into the room. We had different foods on the table, and we were ready to party!

Everyone was so busy eating and asking about new foods, what ingredients are in it, how did you cook it?, etc. We had a colleague working on a different team that joined us that day. She was busy eating and wasn’t paying attention until Phyllis opened the door, caught Dwight in action. In this scene, Dwight looks into the camera and the episode ends. As soon as he looked into the camera, my colleague pointed out to the person who came up with the idea of screening The Office and was sitting across the table from her, and jubilantly shouted “hehehe! You look like him!”

SILENT! And then the room exploded in laughter, except one guy: the new Dwight! In my opinion, he didn’t look like Dwight. Of course, this was before she called him Dwight! He was tall, white, the same hair color and he wore glasses! Then someone, asked her do you even know who Dwight is? And to everyone’s surprise, she said “no! I have never watched this show!!!” another round of laughter. It was hysterical. It was even funnier now that we knew she didn’t know about Dwight’s character. The new Dwight’s face was RED! And he couldn’t say anything. After all, every office has to have a Dwight and we just found ours!

Womanizer!

June 24, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Corporate Funny Stories!

Every time I hear the word womanizer, which I don’t hear that often, Britney Spears’s ‘Womanizer’ starts playing in my head. Images of her lying naked on the shower bench… every freaking time! Anyway, we all have a reputation and I personally am very conservative in the workplace when it comes to relationships. I’m not like crazy couples having sex in the bathroom at the company’s Christmas party – yeah! That’s actually happened. Or making out with a random guy while I’m waiting for my Uber after another company party – This too has happened.

I treat women with respect and try not to ask anyone out, and just keep it professional and business originated. I know you are laughing at me and thinking, dude! Lots of hot chicks in any workplace, why not date them? And my answer is you are right! But I’m not on the market anymore.

I think I’m drifting from what I was going to tell you. The point is, I never considered myself a womanizer until that day. One of the tier one clients was going to visit our new office. This is a company that everybody knows and I myself was a huge fan of them and have been watching them since I was a teenager. Very popular across the board, so we wanted to make the most of it and create a great experience for them. I was working on catering breakfast and snacks, reservation for lunch and dinner, working with other departments for meet and greet, etc.

One of my colleagues who knew them better told me two things, that while these guys are coming from the East Coast and a very blue state, I better not make any political comments, and that they drink a lot – fine by me, I planned to indulge in my favorite food and dessert then. They arrived the night before and showed up at the office early in the morning. We went through the agenda and everything was going according to the plan – I was happy and they seemed to be happy and very pleased with us. For lunch, we went to a nearby restaurant, nothing fancy, and came back and went through the afternoon schedule.

For dinner, I had booked this fancy, and expensive restaurant. I wanted to impress them, you know! And I did impress them, chic decor, fancy menu, elegant dishes, and handsome waiters, not to mention the drink’s menu. They were about 10 of us, and they all started with drinks, except me. I got Dr. Pepper, my favorite drink! They almost finished their first drink, when I went to the restroom. When I came back our waiter was serving the second round. Now. keep in mind that this place has two bars, one was closer to us, and the other one across from where our table was located. The waiter came back, with this huge glass of cocktail, super fancy. It has two colors, I mean the drink inside had two different colors – gosh! I wish I had a picture of it.

Everybody stopped talking and all eyes on me. I told my buddy next to me:

Did you order another one?
I didn’t order anything. I still have my first one.

When the waiter saw that we were confused, he looked at me and said, this is yours! I lagged and said no! It is not. This must be a mistake. At this point, one of the contacts who sat close to me intervene and asked me:

What did you order? Did you go to the restroom or to the bar?
Restroom and I have no idea. I don’t drink.

I thought they were messing with me, so I was laughing. The waiter left and everybody was asking me about my drink and what kind of cocktail I ordered. I was very confused but curious to know who ordered that for me. I mean it was an expensive drink, so I didn’t think they would spend that much money just to prank me. I couldn’t even call it a prank. So, I called out the waiter and said, who ordered this while the whole table was listening and they were as curious as I was if not more. He said someone from the other bar ordered this for you! And our table erupted in wow! And laughter.

From where I was sitting, I couldn’t clearly see the other bar and my friends kept asking me to drink and then walk over there to find out who was the secret admirer. I didn’t drink it but walked over to the other bar and approached one of the bartenders, who was smiling, giving me the vibe that he knew something. I asked him about the drink and who ordered it and he said they just left. I didn’t even ask if it was a guy or a gal or a group of them. I mean I didn’t want to know if it was a guy.

Walking back to our table I was thinking that on the bright side, I did impress them big time! Now, they have a great memory and they will tell their colleagues once returned to their office and who knows, maybe they will come back and visit us again, renew their contract, might add new products because now they know they have this womanizer, cool dude taking care of their account. I would call it a success!

That night, as soon as I arrived home I checked Craigslist Missed Connection, hoping I could find my secret admirer but didn’t see anything. I convinced myself, whoever ordered that for me, is probably drunk and won’t post anything new, so I monitored Craigslist for the next few days. I got nothing, but my client asking about that and following up with me on every damn call that we had since then. To date, I really have no clue who ordered it, but my usual suspect is my buddy. Now that I’m thinking about it, it had to be them, and the fact that I was paying with the company credit card makes me thinking, they weren’t worried about wasting money on an expensive cocktail. At the end of the day, I was happy that I got what I wanted: to create a memorable and unforgettable experience!

Toil and Till

June 10, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Corporate Funny Stories!

We have all heard this before “give credit where credit’s due” and if you are unfamiliar with the phrase here’s the definition according to Collins Dictionary: “you are admitting that you ought to praise someone for something that they have done or for a good quality that they possess”. This story isn’t funny, yet it is more like a dark comedy. I know I ought to tell you funny shit, but hey! You’ll relate to this one and it will boil your blood. This is one of those stories that you hate yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong – on the contrary, you did all the right things, but in the end, it all felt like pissing in the wind because they didn’t credit you when it was due!

To set the scenes, imagine you inherit a huge client, with high demand and very few clear objectives and guidelines. It is terrible, right? Now, as the new guy with a peer of fresh eyes, you’ll notice errors and you’ll come up with new ideas to straighten the ship. You want to make an impact and earn your client’s trust as well. So, I did the same thing. Spent lots of time and energy reviewing the account, talked to people who worked on it before, just to get an idea of why we do what we do. In the meantime, I was getting all kinds of ad-hoc requests from the client.

Don’t want to preach to the choir, but if you ever worked in a client-facing role you probably experienced this: some clients are quiet until they get “the new guy” on the account and then they start bombarding him/her with requests. Sometimes they know the answer, but they want to try it one more time with the new guy. Sometimes they do it because they got new ears. Either way, it is a challenge and a good time to set the expectations.

Anyhow, I made some radical suggestions and recommendations to the client. Looking at my plan it sounded like we are reducing the service, but I was confident that this will indeed increase our productivity and boost our numbers as well. In the short time working with them I realized they are very number-driven. I promised them that this is a better plan, and they agreed to it. After two quarters, numbers were three times more than whatever they had for the past few years. They loved it. My team loved it because they were working smarter and we could actually show them some progress.

I’m not the type of person to work for accolades or awards. I love what I do, and when I accomplish my goals or my client’s goals in this case, I feel pride, satisfaction, and joy. I have nothing against awards, and I won a few of them, but I’m not driven by it. I received all kinds of compliments from the analyst team, my manager, and peers, and when the client said they are planning to visit us, I was over the moon.

That day, I dressed up, showered, shaved, and lots of cologne! I planned the whole day for them, and for the main event, I booked the biggest conference room and I invited my manager, and other colleagues to come in and listen. The other reason was that because the client’s ego was so huge, and they loved the audience I had to stage this and invite as many as I could, give them food and snacks, so the client felt great about themselves!

Towards the end of the meetings, my main contact whom I describe as nothing but a bully, overzealous at times, started boasting about their partnership with us. Fine with me, anyone in that room knew that this is my account and my manager and the analyst team knew how much time I spent on it and our accomplishments were obvious. When he started, I thought he’d give us props for the great work we have done in a short period of time.

I was dead wrong! He started off comparing the past two quarters with last year’s results and his fucking conclusion started with: I came up with this idea to do…. And as the results we are seeing huge increases in productivity and efficiency; you SOB! Not a word about me or the team behind his account, not a damn word! I was irritated, I didn’t even want to stay in that room, I looked at the analyst sitting across the table and shook my hand and they did the same. I looked at my manager, he smiled, one of those bitter smiles that is harsher than a thousand f-bombs.

The funny thing is he never claimed that it was his plan in an email or during one and one calls or monthly calls with the teams. I guess, he wanted to show his boss that he is big-time. Like I said he ego was so huge that it consumed all his humanity and morals.

Zoom Call!

May 24, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Corporate Funny Stories!

When pandemic hits in 2020, and work from home and Zoom call becomes a way of life, talking while on mute or assuming you are on mute and talking is a normal thing to see. Before that, however, it was funny, people would make memes and jokes, etc., but after March 2020, when most people were working from home, Zoom funny moments, aka gaffes, weren’t that funny anymore.

This story happened when gaffes were a big deal to be honest. At the time our company was using WebEx – again Zoom wasn’t that popular either, but thanks to COVID, Zoom became a verb in English and even though sometimes people are not actually using Zoom, they refer to it as Zooming!!

I like doing reports and presenting them to my clients. It was the part of my job I truly enjoyed. Renewals were always weird, I was the one building reports, and recommendations which more often than not translated to upsell, and retention and yet it was Sales who would take home a big-fat-juicy check! Not fair at all if you asked me.

I was working on an Annual Business Review for this client who was a hard client and every year we had a hard time getting them to renew. In this account, my sales partner was very involved. We were trying to get some other folks on the renewal call, hoping they showed interest and found the program, but you know what they say: be careful what you wish for!

My sales partner was able to find other parties within the company and they were eager to join! Good news you would think. No! Not really. We ended up having about 30 people on the call!! Most of them had no clue what we did, and they were asking lots of questions. I had my report up, but we were mostly explaining to those who were new what we were doing and the benefits of our partnership.

Because we had so many people, we ran into some bandwidth issues too. My audio was lagging or I couldn’t hear them or five people talked over each other – it was a mess, to say the least.

Towards the end of the presentation when in a millisecond between going from one slide to the other someone shouted: “you guys came home again and my internet went to shit! Turn off your Xbox”. Holly shit! There were 5 of us in the conference room and we all looked at each other. I couldn’t laugh, I had to keep it cool, but man! It was total silence for about maybe one or two seconds, but it felt like an hour until he realized that he was not on mute! What a shame! I moved on and finished the presentation and then I exploded. I wish I was recording it.

This incident became an inside joke and made me be extra cautious when doing Zoom, or WebEx, or whatever. As I said, it is somehow normal now. People taking a leak during town halls or I even seen a Zoom video that one of the participants was having sex unaware that her webcam is on. Can you imagine that? You watch live porn! Anyway, I’m guilty of talking while I wasn’t mute. Mine wasn’t as bad as that Xbox guy, but it was an all-hands call, so you know everyone is listening and it is not a good sign when the director calls your name in the middle of his presentation and asks you to basically shut up! I thought I was mute, but my wife walked in and we started talking about going to Lowe’s and getting a plunger!! Thankfully we weren’t speaking English. So, the moral of the story is to learn more than one language and always triple-check and make sure you are mute if you decide to talk to your wife or yell at your kids!

Client Visit!

Featured by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Corporate Funny Stories!

Employees, especially in the corporate world are in two camps: they either like visiting their clients or hate it. I like it! As a matter of fact, I love it. Why not? The way I look at it is that basically, you get to travel on your company’s dime. Having worked in major companies in different countries, there are major differences and some similarities.

Outside of the US, visiting clients meant more money. They would pay me “overnight money” if I stayed overnight. They would pay for meals and snacks, and they paid .50 cents per Kilometer. You might think that’s nothing, but you are wrong brother. It adds up. Also, I didn’t have to come to work the next day, so I had an extra day off. In the US, they pay for your ticket, meal, and hotel, but no overnight money and no mileage money. If they paid for the mileage I bet more people enjoyed visiting clients.

Anyway, I liked visiting clients regardless. I had good times and bad times. I went to some luxury places and some ghetto as well. The story I want to tell you now is a funny one. I have to say it is funny now, but it was quite embarrassing.

It was a sunny day in March, and I was going to visit my client in Colorado. My sales colleague was traveling from California and she was going to rent a car and pick me up from a nearby coffee shop. It was a short flight and I got there pretty early. I had a few hours to kill. We were supposed to meet the client at 1:00 PM, and I was going to present a report. I inherited this client and this was my first visit or first impression if you will.

When I arrived I found a Starbucks somewhere near the highway that we had to take to go to the client’s headquarter. I got a large coffee and a bunch of other stuff – remember, a client visit is a trip on your company’s dime! Checked emails and then started to walk in that plaza. I came across this poke place and I started thinking: it is not my lunchtime yet, but if I don’t eat now, I’ll be hungry during the meeting and I probably won’t be able to eat until after the meeting in the airport.

While I wasn’t hungry, I thought I could handle a small poke bowl. Poke it is! So, walked in, and ordered. I wasn’t finished when my colleague texted me. She rented a car and was asking for my location. I sent her the address, and all of a sudden I felt something in my stomach! I do have a history of stomach issues. I usually don’t eat a lot when I travel (excluding client visits), because I know my stomach likes to act up. Because I have my laptops and other stuff with me, I thought I’ll wait until she gets here and I go and use the restroom and I should be good. I thought ‘it is only a one-hour meeting, what could go wrong’? Didn’t really think about the 45 minutes drive.

During our drive, she kept talking and I was worried about my stomach. Also trying to focus on my presentation. We arrived and it took us a few minutes to find the right entrance as they had a huge campus. In this company, employees cannot have their cell phones and there are designated hours that they can leave the building. Part of it is that aside from what they are famous for, they do a lot of work for the US Army. However, they never asked for our phone, but since my colleague gave me a heads up, I put mine on silent.

After putting our info on the tablet located at the front desk, they printed our name tags and we were waiting for our contact to come out and get us. I was blown away by the things that they had on display in the lobby. I was tempted to take some photos, but then I thought I’m here for business not for Instagram stories!

Our contact showed up, welcomed us and we went through some doors, hallways, elevators… If I wanted to get to the lobby by myself, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t find my way back. We were busy socializing. Another interesting part is that each door had to be opened with an ID, and not all employees had the same access; crazy! We walked to the conference room and after a few minutes of chit-chat, my colleagues kicked off the meeting, and I started presenting. Everything went well and I actually finished sooner than I expected. Since we had time, my colleague started talking about the upcoming renewal and the contract.

All of sudden, I got these serious cramps in my stomach and I tried to suppress and hold it to no avail. So, I asked one of the guys in the room “can I use the restroom?” and he said, sure. I’ll show you. We walked out and then I realized why he had to show it as opposed to tell me where the restrooms are – yup! I need an ID/badge to open a door to another section in which the restrooms were located. I thanked him and walked in, hoping to reveal myself.

Walked into the restrooms, while I was barely able to hold it. My face was red, and I was praying – yes praying that God! Please help me hold this shit! There were three standing urinals and two stalls, and guess what? They were both occupied! I couldn’t hold it, and I thought I’d stand outside of the stalls and they’ll see me and come out. Remember, employees couldn’t have their cell phones in the

building, so I’m thinking toilet break without a cell phone is boring and shouldn’t last much.

One guy was peeing, and he left shortly after I walked in. I was pressing my butt against the wall and kept on praying. It was silent and I could hear those guys sitting in the stalls breathing, but not even a fart. Could you believe that? Every second was like an hour for me. In addition to my upset stomach and the fear of shitting myself during a business trip, I kept looking at my watch and thinking, they must have finished by now and probably asking what happened to this guy? Thinking about what they are doing and thinking about me was perhaps the worst part of it.

A few more minutes passed and three of us were there just listening to each other’s breathing – heck I could hear their heartbeat. They were just sitting there, no movement, absolute silent. I wasn’t in a good situation and I decided that I needed to do my business, and the only available options were first the 12gal commercial waste disposal or the standing urinal. I thought if I go and shit in the trash can, there is no water and it will stink, but in the urinal should be OK because water might wash it away.

Then I started praying that no one would walk in until I’m done! I opened my belt and walked toward the urinal slowly. I couldn’t move fast as any second I might lose control and shit my pants. Halfway through and sure enough the door opened and the janitor walked in. No! Not now buddy. He was a shorter Hispanic guy. Looked at me and started cleaning. I thought, well that’s great. I can ask him if there are any other restrooms here and he has the key, so he could be my savior! Alas, he didn’t speak English. Then I thought, those two assholes heard me talking, so they might come out? At least one of them? Janitor said something in Spanish. I had no desire in talking to anyone, and I had to focus on my anus and the shit that could come out any second.

He took his sweet time and cleaned the restroom and emptied the waste disposal as well – I was running out of options and shitting myself wasn’t an option. Those two guys were still there, and all of a sudden I heard something – one of them farted! Oh my God! After about 10 minutes just sitting there, he farted! Cold sweats coming down my back and I couldn’t imagine how my client and my colleague were thinking about it: I’ll go down in history as the guy who in his first visit went to the restrooms and never came back!

I kept pacing back and forth, hoping whoever farted, came out and I went in. Another minute or so passed and suddenly one of the doors opened. I felt like the heavens’ door opened and walked it so gloriously that I didn’t even see the guy’s face. I sat there and ah! It felt great! It felt liberating. I looked at my watch and it was 20 minutes since I walked in. I was embarrassed, but I couldn’t go just yet. I had to finish my business here and then attend the actual business. After all, I waited so long for this moment.

Time was definitely going slower. They say time goes slower near a black hole – you know what I’m saying, right? Once I finished and I washed my hands, I noticed the other asshole is still inside and hasn’t finished yet. Gosh! Some folks take their toilet breaks very seriously! Once I walked out of the restroom, I realized that I’m not sure which way I came from. I started walking and I asked the first person I ran into “how can I get into the lobby?”

I got to the lobby and it was empty. I checked my phone for a message or maybe a phone call from my colleague, but nothing. I walked outside and I could see her rental car. Walked back in and I saw her walking out of the elevator with one of our contacts. They saw me from the far and they smiled. This is the kind of smile you wish you never get from anyone. It is the most meaningful and in my case the most shameful smile ever. They were nice enough not to say anything and I was so embarrassed, that I wish I could just Uber to the airport. I didn’t want to be in the same car with her.

Anyway, we got into the car, and she said “yeah! We waited a long time.” and I wish I could say no shit! I waited a long time too. I blamed poke and she changed the subject. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the end of my stomach saga. During the drive to the airport, my stomach was killing me and I needed a restroom again. Imagine if I asked her to pull over or go to a gas station because I can’t hold it – what a mess! The worst part was that she kept talking and I had to talk and stuff and I was so focused on my stomach and again praying that I’ll make it to the airport without shitting in her rental car. I even thought about what if I shit myself in the airport before getting to the restrooms. It was easy, there were so many stores I could pay for a new pair of pants or even new PJs.

I made it home that night without making a mess in her car or in the airport, and my stomach was as calm as it could be once I checked in and went through the security checkpoint. I’m not sure what the moral of this story is, but I know for sure that I won’t eat poke an hour before any meetings going forward.

I am Tired

April 5, 2019March 25, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

After almost 4 months, I’m thinking of quitting my side hustle. I have partially achieved my main goal, and in between achieved my smaller goals. It’s been a good experience overall. I have to say since the season changed, I’m noticing a decline in orders as well. I mean the weather is nice and people usually go for a walk or jog between 5 to 7 pm. There is no football on TV, and I think these two factors contribute to the decline in trips and tips.

Speaking of tips, I want to mention something here. I know when people place an order for delivery, we change them, I think, $2.50 for delivery. Despite the note under their receipt saying “any delivery charge is not a tip paid to your driver.” I think some people still think that’s an automatic tip to the driver, so they don’t tip – keep that in mind next time you order delivery.

Anyway, that’s why I’m quitting. Working two jobs makes me so tired. I couldn’t make it to the gym lately and I can see its effects on my body and health. Money is good and the more is better! Yet, there are other things in life that matter. I’m glad I did that, yet I think it’s time to leave. It is also sad, that I recently got my 10th follower, now I’m going to abandon you guys – so fucking sad, right?

My wife wants me to text the manager and quit now! But I told her, I want to leave on a good term. I’ll go on Tuesday and let him know that I can work until Friday. Well, that’s my plan. I’ll let you know if I changed it. And Thank you guys, for reading this.

Snowy Day, Cool Dude and Not-So-Cool-Kid!

March 10, 2019March 25, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

I don’t think anybody enjoys driving on a snowy day, right? My plan for snowy days was to always call in sick. One day, snow started a few hours before my shift, so I stuck to that plan and called in. However, it stopped right around the time I was supposed to work! Then again the other day it was snowy and I thought to call in sick. I texted the manager and said I might not be able to work tonight. I made up something, but he told me if you couldn’t work that night, take the rest of the week off too – not a big deal, and I should have done that.

It was snowy/sleety that night, and it was coming down hard. It started about an hour before my shift, and after an hour of sleet, streets were fine. It was wet and not fun, but not bad at all. So, I went to work. We had a few drivers that didn’t show up that night and of course they didn’t work the following days. As a result, I made great money that night and the following nights – that was the bright side of the story.

But as the night went one, it got worse. The sleet and snow didn’t stop, or even slow down a bit. While main roads were mostly OK, side roads were bad. Well i guess Karma is a bitch! I as well as the other drivers, were in and out constantly. I couldn’t even take time to pee! Every time I walked into the store, the orders were already packed 2-3 deep, and I was on the road again. As I said, it was a good night money-wise.

On one of my orders, the manager told me that because he cut the pizza wrong, the customers were getting a free pizza. Yeah! You didn’t know? If we cut it wrong, or if you call and bitch about the way we cut it, or amount of BBQ sauce on your wings, we’ll give you either free food or gift card. So, the pizza was free, but they had wings and bread as well. Anyway, I drove to the location, and called them upon arrival, per their request.

It looked liked a pre-school or kindergarten, but they were open late. I’m not sure what it was, but I saw lots of kids in one room with two teenage girls, and in another room I saw a few adults, sitting in a circle and talking. I called the cell number on the tag, but nobody answered, so I walked into the building. A teenage girl saw me, and came out of the kids room. I gave her the food, and she signed the receipt. Usually kids and teanagers, and sometimes even adults, when they don’t wanna tip, they either sign, or write the total and sign. This blonde lady, who had already gotten free pizza on this snowy day, not only signed and wrote the total price, she made sure to put $0.00 for tip! Fucking meticulous.

I was so mad. You got free pizza, and no tip? I came back and more orders were waiting for me. I think it was my last trip that I had three orders, and by that time the side roads were very bad, and it was still coming down. Anyway, I drove to the last address, and I was looking forward to delivering it and calling it a night.

When I arrived I saw some antlers and skulls outside, so I assumed the guy was a hunter and hunters are cool. Then this young man in an Army uniform opened the door. Very nice guy, and he already paid $4.00 in tips when he placed his order. He asked about the roads and I gave him his food. He then gave me another $5.00 cash – now his awesomeness was unbeatable! I thanked him and I was about to walk to my car when he called out, “excuse me! Do you have my coke in your car?” WTF! I didn’t have anything in my car. As I said, they gave me everything at the store. They did put sauce and paper plates in the hot bags, but to be fair I should have checked for the drink, and I didn’t.

So, the best course of action to throw my co-workers under the bus!

Me: Did you order a coke too?

Him: Yes.

Me: I am so sorry about that. They didn’t give it to me. You know it is a crazy night. We are short on drivers, and a few of us that are working, are working non-stop.

Him: huuum… that’s fine…

Me: Hey! Is there a gas station nearby? I can drive there and get you a drink.

Him: Yes. There is one on you right… you know what? That’s fine.

Me: No, I’ll go get you a coke (I really didn’t want to).

Him: That’s fine. It is OK.

Me: Thank Sir. (Thanks for your service too).

That was it! I didn’t want to drive 6 miles round trip, for a fucking coke. It is not even healthy, and he was better off without the extra sugar.

The moral of the story is: There are assholes and heroes in this world. Heroes are saving assholes all the time, and we do not always appreciate heroes that way or as much as we should. Also, why does anyone care about how his/her pizza is cut? You’re going to eat it anyway, so stop being a wrong-cut-bitch!

Weed People Love Pizza!

February 22, 2019March 25, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

Well, not all of them! When you deliver pizza you get to see different people, and you get to take a peek at their homes. You see, their dogs, some have big dogs – almost as big as cows, and when it barks at you they just say “oh! He is a friendly dog!” but you know what, I’d rather you keep your big friendly dog inside – Thank you!

The point is, it is not just seeing inside people’s house, but even smelling it too. The most common smell is marijuana. The people usually order lots of food, because they have some serious munchies, and they tip good because they are high – and I love it! Too much information here, right? Science tells that you crave junk food after smoking marijuana. Not that pizza is junk, but you get the point.

Anyway, I have delivered large orders to a few apartments and houses that I could smell pot, but the weird one was this place that requested for paper plates when they placed their orders. That night we were out of paper plates, so I was ready to apologize for it. I arrived, and found the building, went upstairs and knocked. I could hear voices, mostly children’s voices from inside, and one of them keeps asking “who is it” and I said “pizza is here”. But the kids inside won’t stop running, and the other kid won’t stop asking the same question! This was going on for about 5-7 minutes.

Finally an adult, African-American young lady opened the door, and holy shit! There were like 5-6 kids inside, no furniture in the living room and kids lined up for the food. And of course, the smell of weed hit my face as soon as she opened the door. That explained the wait. She was probably smoking weed somewhere in the house. I don’t care what people do in their house, it’s none of my business, I just deliver pizza! Pot, is not legal in my state yet, so it is kind of strange when you smell it now and then. Anyway, I gave her the food, and she signed the receipt and asked for paper plates.

Me: I’m so sorry about that, but we were out of paper plates.

Her: Do you have napkins in your car?

Me: I don’t…

Her: So you were out of napkins too?

Me: No, but did you tell them to add napkins to your order?

Her: No. I thought you might have it in your car.

Me: I’m sorry for the miscommunication here, but we don’t carry napkins.

She handed the receipt back to me, rolled her eyes, and said “Oookkkkeeey!” and shut the door! It wasn’t the best or ideal situation, but she tipped me good, so we are good! I’m not a pot expert, but isn’t weed supposed to change your mode and makes you happy? So, why she was so much upset about damn paper plates and napkins? She didn’t have plates and soap? Again, none of business!

Other funny characters, are the ones who are having sex when you arrive! Yup, that’s a thing. I’m not kidding. I went to this place on Friday night, it was a verified customer, meaning we have delivered to this address without any issues in the past. I couldn’t see the lights inside, and there was no doorbell – I mean WTF, no doorbell? So, I was knocking for a few minutes and nothing. The mistake I made, and if you are a driver, don’t do it, I left my cell in the car. ALWAYS have your phone on you. I decided to go back to my car and call them. Almost down the last porch step when this cute, disheveled lady opened the door and called out to me.

As soon as I saw her, I couldn’t hide my smile – something was telling me she was getting laid. I came back and this disheveled guy showed up, shirts untucked, and now we are smiling, kind of devilish smile to imply “I know what you were up to… wink, wink.” She took the food and disappeared, while her smile went to full-blown laugh, giggling if you will. Well, I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything and based on the tip he gave me, I think my timing was just spot on. You crave for food, all kinds of food after humping!

A guy with douchebag face!

February 8, 2019March 25, 2021 by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

On my last post I bragged about not being a FNG anymore. As a friend of mine told me once “I’m sure you will remain FNG for some of them.” It turned out to be true. There is this boy, maybe 21, who works there as a driver too. I don’t like the way he looks at me, and, gosh!, I hate his fucking patchy beard – dude if you can’t grow a beard, no shame in shaving, because you look like a douchebag now. Let’s call him Mr. Zag. Why Zag? Because it rhymes with douchebag!

Once he picked on me (when I was FNG), wanted me to wash the dishes when he was screwing around. I didn’t do it. Last night however, was different. Zag was first in line for delivery, and I was after him. I was standing behind him and I could see the monitor and the orders. First delivery order came in, he printed the delivery tag and was walking around the store, showing the tag to the group saying “oh! This is a trailer park.”

Not sure what the fuck was funny about a trailer park order – trailer park people also eat pizza, right? Anyway, I was thinking, OK, he is first so he gets the trailer park order and next is mine. To my surprise he came to me, laughing, saying “you are going to the trailer park.”

Me: No! YOU are going to a trailer park.

Zag: No. You are going…

Me: but I’m after you, you are first and this order came in first, so YOU ARE going.

Zag: No. I’m going to the other one…let me show you

And he walked to the monitor trying to bullshiting me. I challenged him:

Me: I am after you, how come I get to go sooner than you?

Zag: This IS how it works.

Me: oh! IS IT?

Zag: YES IT IS.

I looked at his disgusting patchy beard and walked off. Guess what? I got the trailer park order. A sexy young girl opened the door, but no tips! Before that, I had had a great night, but fuck Zag, he jinxed me. When I came back the manager was there. Super nice guy. He asked me how my night was going.

Me: well, since you asked… how do we go about the delivers and who is next?

Manager: it is based on your login, and the orders. Sometimes you might be next in line, but your order comes out late, so second in line gets to go first.

Me: OK! Makes sense. I just wanted to learn and understand how it works. And can you go back and check to see who gets what…

Manager: Why? Someone cut in line?

Me: Yes.

Manager: Who?

Me: Zag.

Manager: I need to put a stop to this shit. He has done it to her (pointed to another driver). He has done it to someone else that they called me when I was off.

I have to say, when the manager is working – which is almost every night, everything is in order, an no one fucks around.

He walked to Zag, and he was cutting pizza again. Later that night I was talking to another driver and the manager noticed that, and told me that he asked Zag if he knows what he is doing and knows how to distribute pizzas to drivers. I think now that I alerted him, he will keep his eye open to catch Zag.

While he didn’t condone Zag’s action, he advised us to be careful with these guys because “they know the area better than you two, and they might send you to crappy neighborhoods if they don’t like you.”

I’m not 21, and I’m not looking forward to challenging my co-workers or pick on them. I’m just here to make some extra cash, but if a douchebag patchy beard guy wants to try me, I’m not afraid to challenge them.