Tag: pizza

I am Tired

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

After almost 4 months, I’m thinking of quitting my side hustle. I have partially achieved my main goal, and in between achieved my smaller goals. It’s been a good experience overall. I have to say since the season changed, I’m noticing a decline in orders as well. I mean the weather is nice and people usually go for a walk or jog between 5 to 7 pm. There is no football on TV, and I think these two factors contribute to the decline in trips and tips.

Speaking of tips, I want to mention something here. I know when people place an order for delivery, we change them, I think, $2.50 for delivery. Despite the note under their receipt saying “any delivery charge is not a tip paid to your driver.” I think some people still think that’s an automatic tip to the driver, so they don’t tip – keep that in mind next time you order delivery.

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Anyway, that’s why I’m quitting. Working two jobs makes me so tired. I couldn’t make it to the gym lately and I can see its effects on my body and health. Money is good and the more is better! Yet, there are other things in life that matter. I’m glad I did that, yet I think it’s time to leave. It is also sad, that I recently got my 10th follower, now I’m going to abandon you guys – so fucking sad, right?

My wife wants me to text the manager and quit now! But I told her, I want to leave on a good term. I’ll go on Tuesday and let him know that I can work until Friday. Well, that’s my plan. I’ll let you know if I changed it. And Thank you guys, for reading this.

Weed People Love Pizza!

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

Well, not all of them! When you deliver pizza you get to see different people, and you get to take a peek at their homes. You see, their dogs, some have big dogs – almost as big as cows, and when it barks at you they just say “oh! He is a friendly dog!” but you know what, I’d rather you keep your big friendly dog inside – Thank you!

 

The point is, it is not just seeing inside people’s house, but even smelling it too. The most common smell is marijuana. The people usually order lots of food, because they have some serious munchies, and they tip good because they are high – and I love it! Too much information here, right? Science tells that you crave junk food after smoking marijuana. Not that pizza is junk, but you get the point.

 

Anyway, I have delivered large orders to a few apartments and houses that I could smell pot, but the weird one was this place that requested for paper plates when they placed their orders. That night we were out of paper plates, so I was ready to apologize for it. I arrived, and found the building, went upstairs and knocked. I could hear voices, mostly children’s voices from inside, and one of them keeps asking “who is it” and I said “pizza is here”. But the kids inside won’t stop running, and the other kid won’t stop asking the same question! This was going on for about 5-7 minutes.

 

Finally an adult, African-American young lady opened the door, and holy shit! There were like 5-6 kids inside, no furniture in the living room and kids lined up for the food. And of course, the smell of weed hit my face as soon as she opened the door. That explained the wait. She was probably smoking weed somewhere in the house. I don’t care what people do in their house, it’s none of my business, I just deliver pizza! Pot, is not legal in my state yet, so it is kind of strange when you smell it now and then. Anyway, I gave her the food, and she signed the receipt and asked for paper plates.

 

Me: I’m so sorry about that, but we were out of paper plates.

Her: Do you have napkins in your car?

Me: I don’t…

Her: So you were out of napkins too?

Me: No, but did you tell them to add napkins to your order?

Her: No. I thought you might have it in your car.

Me: I’m sorry for the miscommunication here, but we don’t carry napkins.

 

She handed the receipt back to me, rolled her eyes, and said “Oookkkkeeey!” and shut the door! It wasn’t the best or ideal situation, but she tipped me good, so we are good! I’m not a pot expert, but isn’t weed supposed to change your mode and makes you happy? So, why she was so much upset about damn paper plates and napkins? She didn’t have plates and soap? Again, none of business!

 

Other funny characters, are the ones who are having sex when you arrive! Yup, that’s a thing. I’m not kidding. I went to this place on Friday night, it was a verified customer, meaning we have delivered to this address without any issues in the past. I couldn’t see the lights inside, and there was no doorbell – I mean WTF, no doorbell?  So, I was knocking for a few minutes and nothing. The mistake I made, and if you are a driver, don’t do it, I left my cell in the car. ALWAYS have your phone on you. I decided to go back to my car and call them. Almost down the last porch step when this cute, disheveled lady opened the door and called out to me.

 

As soon as I saw her, I couldn’t hide my smile – something was telling me she was getting laid. I came back and this disheveled guy showed up, shirts untucked, and now we are smiling, kind of devilish smile to imply “I know what you were up to… wink, wink.” She took the food and disappeared, while her smile went to full-blown laugh, giggling if you will. Well, I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything and based on the tip he gave me, I think my timing was just spot on. You crave for food, all kinds of food after humping!

A guy with douchebag face!

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

On my last post I bragged about not being a FNG anymore. As a friend of mine told me once “I’m sure you will remain FNG for some of them.” It turned out to be true. There is this boy, maybe 21, who works there as a driver too. I don’t like the way he looks at me, and, gosh!, I hate his fucking patchy beard – dude if you can’t grow a beard, no shame in shaving, because you look like a douchebag now. Let’s call him Mr. Zag. Why Zag? Because it rhymes with douchebag!

 

Once he picked on me (when I was FNG), wanted me to wash the dishes when he was screwing around. I didn’t do it. Last night however, was different. Zag was first in line for delivery, and I was after him. I was standing behind him and I could see the monitor and the orders. First delivery order came in, he printed the delivery tag and was walking around the store, showing the tag to the group saying “oh! This is a trailer park.”

 

Not sure what the fuck was funny about  a trailer park order – trailer park people also eat pizza, right? Anyway, I was thinking, OK, he is first so he gets the trailer park order and next is mine. To my surprise he came to me, laughing, saying “you are going to the trailer park.”

 

Me: No! YOU are going to a trailer park.

Zag: No. You are going…

Me: but I’m after you, you are first and this order came in first, so YOU ARE going.

Zag: No. I’m going to the other one…let me show you

 

And he walked to the monitor trying to bullshiting me. I challenged him:

 

Me: I am after you, how come I get to go sooner than you?

Zag: This IS how it works.

Me: oh! IS IT?

Zag: YES IT IS.

I looked at his disgusting patchy beard and walked off. Guess what? I got the trailer park order. A sexy young girl opened the door, but no tips! Before that, I had had a great night, but fuck Zag, he jinxed me. When I came back the manager was there. Super nice guy. He asked me how my night was going.

 

Me: well, since you asked… how do we go about the delivers and who is next?

Manager: it is based on your login, and the orders. Sometimes you might be next in line, but your order comes out late, so second in line gets to go first.

Me: OK! Makes sense. I just wanted to learn and understand how it works. And can you go back and check to see who gets what…

Manager: Why? Someone cut in line?

Me: Yes.

Manager: Who?

Me: Zag.

Manager: I need to put a stop to this shit. He has done it to her (pointed to another driver). He has done it to someone else that they called me when I was off.

 

I have to say, when the manager is working – which is almost every night, everything is in order, an no one fucks around.

 

He walked to Zag, and he was cutting pizza again. Later that night I was talking to another driver and the manager noticed that, and told me that he asked Zag if he knows what he is doing and knows how to distribute pizzas to drivers. I think now that I alerted him, he will keep his eye open to catch Zag.

 

While he didn’t condone Zag’s action, he advised us to be careful with these guys because “they know the area better than you two, and they might send you to crappy neighborhoods if they don’t like you.”

 

I’m not 21, and I’m not looking forward to challenging my co-workers or pick on them. I’m just here to make some extra cash, but if a douchebag patchy beard guy wants to try me, I’m not afraid to challenge them.

FNG no more!

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

Well, good news is I’m not an FNG anymore. That’s right, they hired four new people and I’m off the hook. Here’s what I think. Thursday through Sunday are the busiest days. Monday through Wednesday is very slow, even in our store, which is the busiest in town. Like I’m supposed to work 19hrs/week, but my manager had to sent me and a few other part-time drivers home early every night.

 

The good thing about this is, I work for 2 to 3 hours, I don’t get tired, and make between $30 to $35, and after that I get to spend time with my wife and watch TV too. So, it is a win win for me. However, for those who rely on delivery jobs, that can be frustrating. My question is, why hire more people when you don’t have enough hours for them? And this is an issue with most retail stores in the US. They hire people for 3-5 hrs/week. This is fucking ridiculous. If you need more drivers for busy days, so just hire them for those days/hours. There is no reason and it is not efficient to hire people for days/hours that you already have enough people. I think retail stores have a quota that they have to for example hire that number of people per year/month.

Don’t be an asshole!

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

This post is again related to tipping. The other night, one of the drivers came in and he told us that his past three trips, he didn’t get any tips. That’s fine, I mean it is not fine, but it is better than 30 cents tip, right? Yes, someone gave me only 30 cents!

 

Last night I had two no-tips trips. I didn’t like it, but at least mine was only two trips not three. It is winter and cold, and this chain won’t let drivers wear jackets or beanies. You can buy jackets from them and pay it with your paycheck. Here is my argument, while many of the drivers are living paycheck to paycheck, it is unfair to sell them a jacket instead of letting use theirs. If they can’t afford the jacket, and they get cold, they would miss a shift or two and it means less money for their families. If they show up to work sick, they might get the customers sick. Either way, I believe it would be a good idea to let drivers wear a  beanie or wear their own jacket.

 

Mondays are always slow, people had had enough pizza Thursday and Friday, so they don’t eat pizza again on Monday, what a shame! So I got this order to deliver to a hotel. I had delivered to hotels and sometimes they wait outside for you, other times you have to go to their rooms. The total order was $22.70. This one, I had to go to her room. It was on the fourth floor at the end of this long hallway.

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This fat lady opened the door, got her pizza and lava cake, and signed the receipt, I wished her a good night and walked off to the elevator. And it was then when I was struck by her tip: 30 CENTS! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! As I said, if you don’t want to tip, don’t tip, but don’t fucking insult me. You can keep you damn 30 cents, because it appears that you need it more than I do asshole! You know what happen when you tip like that lady? As the result of eating lava cake and pizza crest, your fatty liver will kill you one day!

 

Again, if you don’t want to tip, then don’t. It is better if you don’t tip at all than act like an asshole tightwad – enjoy you full of carb and sugar cake, that thing will kill you!

 

A proposition?

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

You probably heard or even know about the old porn cliche about the pizza guy who delivers pizza and fucks this cute girl – oh you haven’t heard about it? My bad, but you know about it now.

 

So, it was a busy night, and I think I was doing boxes when I heard my name. If you didn’t know, you can add a note or special instructions like “please call when you arrive” or “don’t knock!” or funny things, or sometimes they ask us to draw something inside the box – because some people think they are funny. Now I revealed this secret to you, please don’t abuse it. Also, never ask us to write something offensive, we won’t do it.

 

I got the order and the note was: “send your cutest driver???” I was immediately thought about that old cliche! I got into my car, and I noticed the name and of course the note came from a guy! Whatever, these are probably some stupid kids trying to be funny – That was my thought.

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The apartment was located in a gated community, I didn’t have the code, but there was another car in front of me and they opened the door. I found the place, walked up to door and knocked. Holly shit! This cute, short girl, soft spoken with short black hair opened the door. The lights were dimmed, and a classic music were playing in the background, In addition to that, the cute girl was wearing just a robe! It was the hardest delivery ever in terms of eye contact and keeping straight face – impossible! Obviously, these kind of event happens when you are married, right?

 

I greeted her, because I’m polite. She was a bit surprised to see me though. I noticed that, and asked if she ordered pizza. She said her boyfriend did – Oh! She had a boyfriend and was probably making herself ready for him! Or maybe they were just craving for pizza! “Alexa! Number 2 please” she talked to Alexa! She then counted and told me that her boyfriend went down to open the gate. I told her what happened at the gate and how I got in. I gave her the food and she tipped me.

 

On the way out, I noticed a guy was waving for me – probably her boyfriend. He was on the phone, perhaps talking to his girlfriend and thinking about smoking hot pizza!

People Who Don’t Tip

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

First of all, and to be clear, I was one of those people against tipping. I always tipped because society says I have to, yet I believed servers are working for the restaurants and the owner should pay them enough. They are not my/customers’ employees and you and I shouldn’t be responsible for their income – it is not fair. Also, me being a Quentin Tarantino die hard fan I used to quote Mr. Pink in this opening scene from Reservoir Dogs. Also, did you know that Americans tip at restaurants has rooted in slavery?  

 

Alright, I don’t want to argue about tipping, I tip and so should you; end of story! Here’s a secret about me, this pizza delivery job, is my first ever job in food industry. Yes, I never ever worked in a restaurant, because I dislike it. How did I survived college? Well, I had on-campus and off-campus jobs, but never applied/interested in restaurants/fast food and food business in general.

 

A year or maybe two years ago when I did Uber, Uber just added tip option to its app. Some folks did tip me even before that option, and I liked it – no shit! Having said all of these, the people who work in food and restaurant business full-time, and they make a living off of tips, should always respect and follow this unwritten law. I mean they should know better, right?

 

I got this order one rainy night, and when I put the address on my phone I noticed it is IHOP! Again, it was a new customer, but was paid by credit card. Usually when people pay with cards, they have the option to add tips at the time of order or tip when they receive the order at the time of delivery. In this case, they didn’t tip when they ordered, which is perfectly normal.

 

Long story short, I arrived and called the phone number. I told the guy that I’m outside, and should I walk in from the main entrance or maybe kitchen door? He didn’t know about the order, but I heard someone’s voice who told him that they ordered pizza and he told me that he’ll be out in a second.

 

I saw him walking out, and I got out of my car, got the pizza out and gave him the receipt to sign. He autographed it and gave it back to me. They had ordered five pizzas and the total was about $35. I was thinking they’d probably tipped me $5. I got back to my car, and looked at signed receipt and my tip was $0.00; I’m not fucking kidding.

 

I was upset, and I was thinking, they are living off of tips, hence they should know better. I wasn’t late, I was very professional. I’m not sure why they did that, but I wasn’t pleased.

Church Parking Lot

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

I got this order, new customer, cell phone with an out of state area code, and it was cash order. Great! According to the training videos and in situations like this, either I or who ever got the order are supposed to call back to confirm the address and the order. Look at it as a security check, make sense right? But nobody does that. We are busy man, we don’t have time to call back.

 

I put the address to my GPS, and I usually check the area on the GPS to see where am I heading. I realized the address is a church, but I thought well this is around Christmas and church people gotta eat as well, nothing suspicious.

 

When I arrived the parking lot was empty and fucking dark! This was the first red flag for me. Do you remember the guy that I told you who ended up in an empty parking lot and got robbed? If you don’t, at that point I was remembering him and I told myself, dude! Don’t be that guy.

 

I drove around the building, on the far right, behind the church building, I noticed a car with two guys in it. I was driving slowly to see if I can see anyone at the church. They got out of the car as soon as they saw me and looked at me. I looked at them and passed them. I stopped under the streetlight, where everyone could see me, and then I dialed the cell number and got this message: “the number you dialed does not exist.” another red flag. So, I drove to the next safe place, Jack in the Box!

 

You know you are so desperate when your safe place is Jack in the Box parking lot. I called the number one more time, and got the same message. So, I called the store and explained the situation and they asked me to come back; canceled the order, and an army of hungry drivers, were delighted!

 

P.S.: Before you start driving, check out where you are going on Google maps. It takes a few seconds, but you would know, if it is a house, apartment, school, funeral home, IHOP (I have a story to tell about IHOP as well) or an empty parking lot. Whatever you do my fellow drivers, DO NOT go to empty parking lot!

Trailer Park Delivery

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

I think it was my first or maybe the second night that I was delivering solo, and it was a busy night. I had two separate orders to deliver, and I went to the nearest one first – obviously!

 

The hardest part of the job is delivering to apartments. Houses are usually easier, unless you end up in a dark neighborhood and the house number and the actual house are both the same color or dark colors, or they don’t leave the porch light on. People! Drivers use Google Maps and GPS, but we don’t have night vision goggles, OK?

 

Anyway, I was saying that I drove to the nearest location and it was mobile homes or as I want to call it a trailer park. There were about 30 trailers, and they all had a the same address, but different trailer numbers. I was looking for number 7. There were three different entrances and not all trailers had numbers or at least they were not visible. I tried to find it and couldn’t.

 

mobile-home-park-primaryAt this point, I was a tad scared, but more frustrated. So, I found a street light, and looked at the delivery slip. Fucking great! It was a new customer and it was a cash order. I called the phone number on the delivery slip… “the number you have dialed does not exist.” Oh crap! Now I was scared. It had all the elements of a suspicious order and I was the driver. (Remember when I told you we spoke too soon earlier?)

 

I tried to keep calm and dialed again. This time, it went to Google voicemail. No fucking way I was going to spend any more time in this sketchy neighborhood. So, I called my manager to explain the situation and see what should I do. While I was talking to him, a voicemail came in and it was the customer. So, I called him back, and it went to fucking voicemail again….but after few seconds he answered:

 

  • Me: Hi. This is Joe, your pizza delivery driver. I’m in your neighborhood, but I’m having a hard time finding your “home” (more like a fucking trailer, I tried to be respectful, because I love my life)
  • Him: Did you…
  • Me: Yes, I took this street and turned…
  • Him: Did you listen to me?
  • Me: Sorry Sir.
  • Him: LISTEN TO ME! Take the second entry.
  • Me: Okay Sir. I just turned in to the second entry on my left.
  • Him: OK. Now there is bump.
  • Me: Yes I can see that.
  • Him: Past that.
  • Me: Just did.
  • Him: You just passed me.
  • Me: Sorry about that, but where are you? (It was so fucking dark)

 

Finally, I saw a gal waving at me. So I took off, and ran toward the door. I apologized for delay and started to give her the orders. Oh Shit! While I was giving her the pizzas, I remembered that I left my windows and door open, the car was running and keys were in it, my cell phone was in there too – these were all the things they told us NOT TO DO in those stupid training videos and I did them all in that sketchy neighborhood – fucking great!

 

I could feel cold sweat running on my back. I was thinking that I wasn’t going to make it out alive and I wasn’t going to see my family again, so I started to review all of the good times I had had…

 

  • The gal: Here you go

 

She handed me the signed ticket, and I grabbed it and ran to my car. Ooffff! It was still there…my beautiful, sexy car was still there – I’m a fucking survivor! As soon as I turned on to the main street and was sitting at a red light, I checked the ticket because I was curious how much she tipped me… $0.00 You know what? I didn’t even care, I had made it out of there alive.

 

P.S.: I have a dashcam and I had a video and the whole phone conversation recorded with the guy. Alas, by the time I wrote this blog, the video was overwritten. It would have been a hilarious addition to this post. Maybe I could even sell it to the pizza chain and they could have used it as a real life training example.

Prelude!

by Inherently Funny Guy!, posted in Pizza Delivery Stories!

Well hello! I think the title says it all, but let me start from the beginning and give some context, shall we? You can call me Joe, I have a good full-time job. I like my job and life is good. While my day job pays for my family expenses, I have been thinking about a side hustle – because who doesn’t like extra money? That, and I had a few short term goals as well. For example, with the money from part time job I could pay off my smaller loans or buy the gadgets I like – I like gadgets! I like driving, and I drive fast – at the same time I always obey the law wink wink!

 

So about a year ago, I tried Uber for a few months. I loved it mostly because I got to meet new people, and enjoyed chatting with them. Uber might be good in bigger cities, but in the small, compact valley I live in, it wasn’t that good, and people didn’t always tip. So I thought “Maybe I’ll deliver food”. I tried Uber Eat…and fuck that shit! Don’t even get me started! While this is not a how-to-make-extra-cash type of blog, after some research, I decided to try pizza delivery, and here I am.

 

As I said, I’m only doing pizza delivery part-time, and unless it suddenly turns into a lucrative income, it’s only temporary. During my short time delivering pizza, some scary and funny stuff has happened. So, I decided to share them with all of you. As of now, this is a temporary blog, and I will update it as long as I work there. Also, this blog is meant to be funny and sarcastic, so please don’t get fucking offended.

 

After I applied online and did this stupid self assessment thing, I, with a bunch of other new hires, attended an orientation. The most important part of the orientation and training videos was safety. They went over different scenarios (all true by the way). They talked about suspicious orders, suspicious addresses, fake phone numbers, and how one driver ended up in an empty parking lot, got beat up, and they stole his car. When we heard these stories, another new driver and I were like, “What kind of moron goes to an empty parking lot?”. But you know what? We spoke too soon!

 

Anyway, while those videos and scenarios were sometimes funny or stupid, they made me worry. Long story short, we watched some training videos and went on a couple of rides with other drivers. From there….it was my turn to be your “Delivery Specialist” (you gotta love my title) and  deliver your order!