Employees, especially in the corporate world are in two camps: they either like visiting their clients or hate it. I like it! As a matter of fact, I love it. Why not? The way I look at it is that basically, you get to travel on your company’s dime. Having worked in major companies in different countries, there are major differences and some similarities.
Outside of the US, visiting clients meant more money. They would pay me “overnight money” if I stayed overnight. They would pay for meals and snacks, and they paid .50 cents per Kilometer. You might think that’s nothing, but you are wrong brother. It adds up. Also, I didn’t have to come to work the next day, so I had an extra day off. In the US, they pay for your ticket, meal, and hotel, but no overnight money and no mileage money. If they paid for the mileage I bet more people enjoyed visiting clients.
Anyway, I liked visiting clients regardless. I had good times and bad times. I went to some luxury places and some ghetto as well. The story I want to tell you now is a funny one. I have to say it is funny now, but it was quite embarrassing.
It was a sunny day in March, and I was going to visit my client in Colorado. My sales colleague was traveling from California and she was going to rent a car and pick me up from a nearby coffee shop. It was a short flight and I got there pretty early. I had a few hours to kill. We were supposed to meet the client at 1:00 PM, and I was going to present a report. I inherited this client and this was my first visit or first impression if you will.
When I arrived I found a Starbucks somewhere near the highway that we had to take to go to the client’s headquarter. I got a large coffee and a bunch of other stuff – remember, a client visit is a trip on your company’s dime! Checked emails and then started to walk in that plaza. I came across this poke place and I started thinking: it is not my lunchtime yet, but if I don’t eat now, I’ll be hungry during the meeting and I probably won’t be able to eat until after the meeting in the airport.
While I wasn’t hungry, I thought I could handle a small poke bowl. Poke it is! So, walked in, and ordered. I wasn’t finished when my colleague texted me. She rented a car and was asking for my location. I sent her the address, and all of a sudden I felt something in my stomach! I do have a history of stomach issues. I usually don’t eat a lot when I travel (excluding client visits), because I know my stomach likes to act up. Because I have my laptops and other stuff with me, I thought I’ll wait until she gets here and I go and use the restroom and I should be good. I thought ‘it is only a one-hour meeting, what could go wrong’? Didn’t really think about the 45 minutes drive.
During our drive, she kept talking and I was worried about my stomach. Also trying to focus on my presentation. We arrived and it took us a few minutes to find the right entrance as they had a huge campus. In this company, employees cannot have their cell phones and there are designated hours that they can leave the building. Part of it is that aside from what they are famous for, they do a lot of work for the US Army. However, they never asked for our phone, but since my colleague gave me a heads up, I put mine on silent.
After putting our info on the tablet located at the front desk, they printed our name tags and we were waiting for our contact to come out and get us. I was blown away by the things that they had on display in the lobby. I was tempted to take some photos, but then I thought I’m here for business not for Instagram stories!
Our contact showed up, welcomed us and we went through some doors, hallways, elevators… If I wanted to get to the lobby by myself, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t find my way back. We were busy socializing. Another interesting part is that each door had to be opened with an ID, and not all employees had the same access; crazy! We walked to the conference room and after a few minutes of chit-chat, my colleagues kicked off the meeting, and I started presenting. Everything went well and I actually finished sooner than I expected. Since we had time, my colleague started talking about the upcoming renewal and the contract.
All of sudden, I got these serious cramps in my stomach and I tried to suppress and hold it to no avail. So, I asked one of the guys in the room “can I use the restroom?” and he said, sure. I’ll show you. We walked out and then I realized why he had to show it as opposed to tell me where the restrooms are – yup! I need an ID/badge to open a door to another section in which the restrooms were located. I thanked him and walked in, hoping to reveal myself.
Walked into the restrooms, while I was barely able to hold it. My face was red, and I was praying – yes praying that God! Please help me hold this shit! There were three standing urinals and two stalls, and guess what? They were both occupied! I couldn’t hold it, and I thought I’d stand outside of the stalls and they’ll see me and come out. Remember, employees couldn’t have their cell phones in the
building, so I’m thinking toilet break without a cell phone is boring and shouldn’t last much.
One guy was peeing, and he left shortly after I walked in. I was pressing my butt against the wall and kept on praying. It was silent and I could hear those guys sitting in the stalls breathing, but not even a fart. Could you believe that? Every second was like an hour for me. In addition to my upset stomach and the fear of shitting myself during a business trip, I kept looking at my watch and thinking, they must have finished by now and probably asking what happened to this guy? Thinking about what they are doing and thinking about me was perhaps the worst part of it.
A few more minutes passed and three of us were there just listening to each other’s breathing – heck I could hear their heartbeat. They were just sitting there, no movement, absolute silent. I wasn’t in a good situation and I decided that I needed to do my business, and the only available options were first the 12gal commercial waste disposal or the standing urinal. I thought if I go and shit in the trash can, there is no water and it will stink, but in the urinal should be OK because water might wash it away.
Then I started praying that no one would walk in until I’m done! I opened my belt and walked toward the urinal slowly. I couldn’t move fast as any second I might lose control and shit my pants. Halfway through and sure enough the door opened and the janitor walked in. No! Not now buddy. He was a shorter Hispanic guy. Looked at me and started cleaning. I thought, well that’s great. I can ask him if there are any other restrooms here and he has the key, so he could be my savior! Alas, he didn’t speak English. Then I thought, those two assholes heard me talking, so they might come out? At least one of them? Janitor said something in Spanish. I had no desire in talking to anyone, and I had to focus on my anus and the shit that could come out any second.
He took his sweet time and cleaned the restroom and emptied the waste disposal as well – I was running out of options and shitting myself wasn’t an option. Those two guys were still there, and all of a sudden I heard something – one of them farted! Oh my God! After about 10 minutes just sitting there, he farted! Cold sweats coming down my back and I couldn’t imagine how my client and my colleague were thinking about it: I’ll go down in history as the guy who in his first visit went to the restrooms and never came back!
I kept pacing back and forth, hoping whoever farted, came out and I went in. Another minute or so passed and suddenly one of the doors opened. I felt like the heavens’ door opened and walked it so gloriously that I didn’t even see the guy’s face. I sat there and ah! It felt great! It felt liberating. I looked at my watch and it was 20 minutes since I walked in. I was embarrassed, but I couldn’t go just yet. I had to finish my business here and then attend the actual business. After all, I waited so long for this moment.
Time was definitely going slower. They say time goes slower near a black hole – you know what I’m saying, right? Once I finished and I washed my hands, I noticed the other asshole is still inside and hasn’t finished yet. Gosh! Some folks take their toilet breaks very seriously! Once I walked out of the restroom, I realized that I’m not sure which way I came from. I started walking and I asked the first person I ran into “how can I get into the lobby?”
I got to the lobby and it was empty. I checked my phone for a message or maybe a phone call from my colleague, but nothing. I walked outside and I could see her rental car. Walked back in and I saw her walking out of the elevator with one of our contacts. They saw me from the far and they smiled. This is the kind of smile you wish you never get from anyone. It is the most meaningful and in my case the most shameful smile ever. They were nice enough not to say anything and I was so embarrassed, that I wish I could just Uber to the airport. I didn’t want to be in the same car with her.
Anyway, we got into the car, and she said “yeah! We waited a long time.” and I wish I could say no shit! I waited a long time too. I blamed poke and she changed the subject. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the end of my stomach saga. During the drive to the airport, my stomach was killing me and I needed a restroom again. Imagine if I asked her to pull over or go to a gas station because I can’t hold it – what a mess! The worst part was that she kept talking and I had to talk and stuff and I was so focused on my stomach and again praying that I’ll make it to the airport without shitting in her rental car. I even thought about what if I shit myself in the airport before getting to the restrooms. It was easy, there were so many stores I could pay for a new pair of pants or even new PJs.
I made it home that night without making a mess in her car or in the airport, and my stomach was as calm as it could be once I checked in and went through the security checkpoint. I’m not sure what the moral of this story is, but I know for sure that I won’t eat poke an hour before any meetings going forward.
Inherently Funny! 